I get why the BMW M760i killed the V-12

Ferruccio Lamborghini, the person responsible for the famous marquee, did not invent the V-12 engine. But in a way, he perfected it. Designed in 1963, the company’s original design evolved through every Lambo until Audi came along and ended it in 2011. Along the way, the V-12 powered every bedroom poster you could think of, and became the stuff of dreams. So wouldn’t you want to drive one everyday in a BMW M760i?

Sounds like every car enthusiasts dream – how come it wasn’t?

The 2018 BMW M760i overview

There are actually two types of V-12s. There’s that Lambo kind, and wow do you know it when you hear it. Perhaps the best single reason to keep burning dinosaurs and melting ice caps, there is no way an electric supercar is going to inspire lust like that engine.

The second kind is actually just as impressive, but for its smoooooooothness. I’m talkin’ Carlos Sainz driving on a frozen lake topped with shaving cream smooth. Maybach currently has one in its S680, and it’s an impressive thing. But Mercedes doesn’t have the word motor in its name. I know you know who does.

A BMW 7 Series has always been a weird car. Is it a big 5 Series? BMW’s flagship? The car most likely to depreciate in the history of cars?

Turns out it’s all those things.

Performance Score: 7. Gender bender

The big issue with this car in particular is that BMW never knew what to do with it. Tuned for speed and power, but also to showcase impressive (at the time) tech and comfort, this is the first 7 Series allowed to have an M badge on the trunk, even if it’s a “Diet Coke” version.

Yea – BMW M’s most powerful car in 2018 wasn’t even a full-on M.

Engine

The N74 B66TU is why we’re here, so let’s sit inside and start ‘er up. I said…start ‘er up!

Oh shit, it’s quiet. And wow is it smooth at idle.

With 600 horsepower and 627 lb-ft of torque, you might think we’re strapping in for one wild ride, but the power comes on more wave-like. Floor it, and the speedometer rips off chunks of miles per hour like Cookie Monster loose in the Oreo factory. It says 40. Then 47. Then 56. Nom Nom Nom.

You don’t need to rev it to move, nor does it encourage you to, but they build quickly. It’s almost electric in its behavior – we’ll call it angry wafting.

Everyone but you inside is none the wiser to this red mist – even with an aftermarket exhaust, it’s not nearly as loud as BMW’s own V-8s. I’m sure that’s by design – waking up the neighbors is so uncouth. It’s also BMW’s first (and last) V-12 with turbos, and they aren’t exactly known for enhancing engine sound.

This engine is made for a Rolls-Royce, so despite the car’s original MSRP of well over $160,000, it’s actually a pretty good deal in terms of engine. But a Rolls-Royce doesn’t need to carry the weight of THE ULTIMATE DRIVING MACHINE tagline like the 7 does.

Transmission

Welcome to Patient Zero. The M760i is BMW’s first application for the now-famed ZF eight-speed.

The design of the car is about a decade old, so it isn’t the smoothest variation of said transmission, but it’s still better than 99% of what’s on the road today.

Do you want to have fun? Pull the paddle shifters for a faster response. Faster, but not fast. I think you’ll soon go back to automatic mode because…you’re in a 7 Series.

Chassis and Steering

One of my favorite BMWs is the G30 5 Series. Looked good, drove beautifully, very comfy – what’s not to love.

Would it surprise you to find out that this bigger 7 drove pretty much exactly the same? Duh, it’s on similar chassis, I know. But the 7 weighs 5,128 pounds, almost a half ton more than the 5. How does BMW do that?

Perhaps it’s the Carbon Core – fun to say in the Ah-nuld voice. It’s exclusive to the 7 (and 8) Series, and helps to keep weight balance in check. The M760i also gets an Adaptive Sport Suspension with an enhanced Comfort mode. Alpina does it waaayyyy better.

The ride makes no sense – floats over everything, yet crunchy – especially in Sport mode. Perhaps it’s the aftermarket wheels, but BMW always tends to make their big cars extra crispy, even the M5. You’re always aware of the length too.

Oh yea, the steering! Feels like every other BMW from the time period. Sorry.

Brakes

Are soft. They are M Sport brakes, with blue calipers and a big M logo, so they look the part. They just don’t feel like it.

To be honest, I think the calipers should be black, maybe with no logo at all, or just “BMW”. This setup gives “Hello, fellow kids!” vibes.

The 7 Series in general, and this M version in particular, is a very nice car. But even with the big motor, nothing really stands out. Perhaps it’s the 5 Series fault – nearly as nice for much less. But it’s also a fundamental problem.

The 7 is a car meant to be driven in, not drive yourself.

Lifestyle Score: 9. Private Suite

Let’s start in the back seat – we have the Executive Lounge on the passenger side, with a reclining seat that automatically moves the front seat forward. The G12 7 Series was only available in a long wheelbase version, unlike previous 7s, so there’s plenty of room. Though it’s not Maybach levels of lux, I doubt back seat passengers would complain.

The center armrest also folds down to reveal a screen with controls that can move the seat, heat it, access window shades and more.

Move to the front, and I am less thrilled. The seats are comfy enough, but they are not $160,000 seats. I mean that – they are out of the 5 Series. What the M760i needs are the thrones from the M5.

The trunk is fine, but because a majority of space is dedicated to the back seat, it’s not quite as large as you might anticipate. Get an X7 if you want to haul things.

Fuel Economy: 5. I think I found the problem

And it’s not so much that the M760i gets 16 MPG around town – people that can afford this car do not care.

But we must look over at the M5, or more specifically the S63 V-8. Not the same experience, I know, but that engine has more horsepower, revs more freely, and gets one mile per gallon better.

Do you care that the new M70 7 Series is all electric, has more power, and is faster? Good – I don’t either.

Features and Comfort: 9. Still relevant

There’s still so much in this 7 that makes it feel lux. Perhaps one day all the screens and knobs will feel dated, but it hasn’t happened yet.

Take a back seat

Well, maybe a little dated. The big 5 theme continues, with all the HVAC controls and switch gear taken from the rest of BMW’s lineup. Special touches though, like Galvanic controls and a Ceramic iDrive knob.

We have dual sunroofs that illuminate at night, a screen in the rear center armrest, massaging seats (that never really work well on any BMW), and our favorite police crime drama, Bowers & Wilkins.

This is a pre-LCI example, so it doesn’t have a full digital dash and the iDrive screen is ridiculously small, but it all still works well.

Subdued dude

There are a few touches that let everyone know you are Lord of the Road in this 7, with a single M badge on the back, and V-12 on the pillars (you could order without if it’s too uncouth for you).

The Cerium Grey accents are an M Performance specialty, and I must say the car looks so good in Frozen Black. Aftermarket wheels also help give gangster vibes.

I might be in the minority, but I prefer the look of the LCI model. The grille is larger, but I appreciate the squinty headlights more. Either way, the car doesn’t have the presence of a Merc in your garage despite its size.

The BMW M760i, like all 7 Series, is confused about its purpose

BMWs have always been slightly downmarket from their equivalent Mercedes, and in 2018, you could get a basic 7 Series for less than $90,000 – not bad. But the M example here, though equipped with nicer things, isn’t worth twice the price, even if it has twice the cylinder count.

This car’s saving grace is now depreciation. You can get this exact M760i with less than 30,000 miles for under $60,000. That’s $14,000 of deprecation a year. The big winners are you, me, and owners like Chase with his M760i. But the original sin of that MSRP stands.

I digress – in 2018, you’d sit in this car and think “Man, I should drive it!”. Then you get in the back and think, “Man, I should get someone else to drive it!”. At which point, you look over at the 740i and realize it offers the same back seat experience. No need to get Jeeves the V-12.

And if you do drive it? You’ll love the motor’s thrust, but then you’ll take a turn and feel the understeer. And the stiff ride. It’s not a sports sedan, and it’s not a luxury limo…is it for people who love BMW so much that they’ll get one in any size?

So the M760i was made…for me?

Guess it’s more affordable than a Lambo.

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